So I have a semi-unique relationship with my parents. I was a difficult child to deal with (I am pretty sure I had ADD or ADHD) and it was a constant battle with me to try to get me to do right. I ditched school, I was destructive and even at my best I was a pain in the ass. At the age of 15 I dropped out of school and my parents, in an effort to force me back into school, kicked me out with the admonishment that if I was out of school I was out of their house.
That was 25 years ago give or take. I spent my younger years listening to what a rotten apple I was, what a disappointment I was and how I would not grow up to be anything or anyone. That kinda colored how I approached life in my early adulthood and continues to this day.
After leaving my parents house I lived with friends, I lived on the streets or I lived back at their place. But from 15 to 17 I was pretty much good as gone. I eventually caught a clue joined the military got married etc. In other words I grew up. Those early years were hard between my parents and I since I harbored a lot of resentment and anger towards them.
But I continued to grow as a person.
Eventually I worked things out with my parents and we developed a good relationship. However because of my childhood and my percieved shortcomings I have always worked harder tried to accomplish more and have done my damndest to prove everyone in my early life that they were wrong. I am somebody and I have accomplished something with my life. However I always feel like I have not proven anything to my parents.
See growing up I felt like I was treated… harder than my sisters. I was the only boy and I was held to a different expectation. I grew up being asked “Why can’t you be like your sister?” who was, in my eyes, nothing more than a goody two-shoes. I to this day still feel I was not given the same breaks and resources as my sisters growing up. Now I am turning 40 years old and I feel like I am still getting the short end of the stick from my parents; most noteably my dad. This time however it is my nephew that is, in my opinion, displacing me. This goes with my parents still seeming willing to bend over backwards for my sisters.
See I have spent the last 25 years standing on my own two feet. I have paid my own way in life and rarely bothered my parents for help. Even after my first marriage crumbled and I moved back in with them I actually only lived with them for about six months total and I did my best not to be a finacial burden. I can count on one hand how many times I have borrowed money from them and still have fingers left over. Paid back every cent of what I borrowed too. I borrow my dad’s truck once in awhile but I always put more gas than I burn in it. I try to ensure that I am a responsible productive member of society with the end goal of making my parents proud that their no-good bad seed son grew up and straightened up.
But honestly after all this time I am really angry that I can’t seem to get a fair shake. I make it clear to all my family that if they need something I am there for them. I make it clear to my parents that all they have to do is ask. I have dropped everything I am doing to go help my parents with things that they needed done. And I still feel like the same courtesy is not extended to me.
My mom’s computer blew a power supply. I ordered a new one but order the wrong one. Ordered a second one and had it shipped directly to my parents house. The day it arrived I went over after work and installed it for them. My parents asked what they owed me and I told them not to worry about it. I am their son and it is no skin off my back to foot the bill for small things that my parents need. They persisted so I asked that my dad bring his truck over Saturday. I was told no problem.
Today, two days later, I get a call at work from my father. Apparently my nephew wants to use his truck and told him either last night or this morning about it. Instead of telling my nephew that I had already reserved use of the truck my dad is calling to see how quickly we can be done so he can let the boy use it. I had planned on using the truck to pull a bunch of hedges out of the front yard and hauling those with a bunch of rubbish to the dump while picking up some gardening rails so we could start building the plant bed that will house the new desert hedges we will put in. All and all about three to five hours worth of work. Had told my dad to come over some time after nine and here he is asked if we are going to be done by noon.
Damn it I am his son yet here I am being circumvented by my damn nephew who, in my opinion, is treated like a little prince. This isn’t the first time either. I have already been informed that antique tools that I use to play with when I was a kid that belonged to my grandfather will be going to my nephew and my nephew seems to think the family cabin is going to him as well. My nephew is treated like a son and I am treated like a distant relative.
I feel like I am now being penatalize because I made my way in the world and I am not dependent enough on my parents to warrant the full family treatment. I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I got my life straightened out I am a responsible adult and I am a successful professional. And I feel like it does not mean a damn thing to my parents. Melissa says I should sit down and talk with my dad but I don’t feel it would solve anything. My dad would just get upset and deny it all. Then we would have a strained relationship again and nothing would get solved.
I am just venting to get this off my chest and out of my mind but it really bothers me. I do not know how to really fix this but in the end I really do need to communicate how I am feeling. I know my mom does not really do this as much but she can’t possibly be oblivious to what my dad is doing. How can I get my dad to realize that there is a difference between his son and grandson? How can I get a fair break for once in our relationship without having to whine bitch and moan just to get them to actualy pay attention?
Oh well….
if you haven’t already, you know Melissa is right…. you need to let your dad know…. he may be sittign there thinking a similar thing, that you are juust not interested in family stuff etc… My husband recently watched a video his dad made for him before he died, its been years and he watched it for the first time with me…. he always told me how he never really had a good relationship with his dad, his dad never really spoke to him, he always felt like the black sheep of the family… turns out in that video his dad spoke about how he is the son most like himself, he saw much of himself in his son, and how it made him sad that they never sat down and communicated…. and here is my husband thinking his dad never wanted to communicate with him… and well its too late now in this lifetime… don’t let it be too late in yours with only regrets and i should haves….
blessings
Yves**~